I am beginning to think that I am in love and that there is nothing I can ever do about it. I spent my sunday night through monday afternoon with a man who can not offer me more than we are; friends with benefits. I know I am worth more, yet I can’t seem to be bothered to remember that when I think of him, talk to him, or when i am with him. I put up a good front; sometimes I even fool myself. Yet , the moment one real thought makes its way to center stage in my mind I can’t stop my truth. I do care, and it does hurt me. It's becoming harder to get the words in my head out, as I find it increasingly difficult to come up with coherent sentences. I keep wondering what would have happened if I had said it, "I love you." There were times I would realize that it is true and I would do anything for him. I've explained that I have social anxiety and I fight it everyday, I've mentioned that I am self conscious, and I have mentioned that I've been hurt before. With him I don't feel shy and anxious, I want to show him all of me and I want to be somebody that can help him be happy, not just a quick roll in the hay. This isn't something new, just something I am beginning to embrace. I love him unconditionally just as he cannot love me, some may say that I shouldn't love him if he doesn't, cannot, or will not love me as well. I believe that is all the more reason he needs my love, no strings attached. I will love him in any way he needs me to. It's going to break my heart. I accept that.
0 Comments
yesterday my dad got remarried
i now have 2 brothers and 1 sister I'm going to hook up with an old fling today I am taking diet pills I can see I have a problem... Why do I let myself get my hopes up? Why did I think that this might be different this time? Nothing has changed. Not even a little. Am I desperate, in love, or fatally attracted to the bad boy? Why do I want the one person who wants nothing more than sex? I don't even know If he honesty finds me attractive. He said "you want to have sex with me and if you want to keep doing it I want..." Why was I okay with this statement? I should have been appalled. Yet for some reason I had hope that he may have actually wanted to be with me. Should I thank him for setting me straight? "Are we going back to our original agreement; friends with benefits." Sure, what else can I say. You're what I want, take it or leave it. Although I should leave it. I know I want more from you. You know I want more too. Do you secretly want more or are you using me because you know you can; do you care about me? I'm going to crash and burn and I can't turn away from you. Did you're most recent flame burn out, is that why you're taking to me again? If we do this are you going to be fucking other girls? I don't have any right to ask you that, do I? Sure we both are free to make choices and sleep with other people, after all it's only friends with benefits. Either way It's plain to see that I wouldn't be sleeping around. I'm not the type. Even with friends with benefits. Especially with you. I already know how this will end, and it's not good. For me. I want to disappear.
I'm afraid I can't hold on, I'm scared. I want to hurt, to feel anything at all. I'm losing grip, falling in the pit, I can't hold on, can't think straight, what's lost on me, what's wrong? would they notice if I let go, if i fell? can they see me holding on, my slipping grip? on the edge of the pit? would they push me in? be gone, good riddance? will they make me disappear, will they try? I'm holding on, I want out. I want to hurt, to love, to feel anything at all. I'm holding on, I've almost got a grip. don't make me go, don't watch me leave, don't let me disappear. I'm holding on. I recently looked back through my journal and found a few interesting things including the confirmation letters I received from my parents. I went back and read them again and they still make me cry so I can't share them with you. As well as finding these letters I found a poem type thing that I wrote a while ago; I don't know what i think of it but I will share it with you in my next post.
I had so much last night that my friends would not let me go downstairs to my room...
I took a self defense course for this semester and I won't lie to you, I already feel like i could keep myself safer. It's day two... that says a lot about my skills (or lack thereof).
I just got out of my first class of the semester; a nine am human sexuality course. Within the first 15 minutes my professor was making jokes about blue balls... this is a class I won't want to miss. Thank you Monday.
Won't you drown me in love
or a whiskey lullaby I've been trying so hard just to stay alive stuck with this memory like a knife through my heart won't you drown me in love or a whiskey lullaby can't help myself I might fall apart been down this road just a little too far it might change the way I look at you but I need your loving hey, I need you so won't you drown me in love or a whiskey lullaby I've been trying so hard just to stay alive stuck with this memory like a knife through my heart won't you down me in love or a whiskey lullaby looking at you I see only light I'll take your hand if you'll take mine now we're making new memories and starting our lives drowning in love no more whiskey lullabies drowning in love no more whiskey lullabies Some of the staff at my work decided to go out to the gay nineties. Every third friday of the month is an 18+ foam party, most of us were under 21 so we decided to do some drinking before we went. It was the first time I had ever had anything more than a Mikes Hard Lemonade and that night I had tried quite a bit of Fireball Whiskey. Needless to say I wasn't exactly in the best frame of mind when we go to the club. Within the first 20 minutes someone had gotten me to take off my shirt and by the end of the night I had probably made out with at least 10 different guys.... I realize that this is quite the vague post, but I don't really remember much.
So I started a new job this last week at a summer camp and all we did was training. I am pooped! I met some really amazing people, got a camp name and bared my soul to these people and they did the same. I cant believe that after only five days with them I consider them not only friends, but family.
Some of the things we did included learning intense camp songs and mind games; the mind games really threw me off when everybody seemed to figure them out except me. We as the staff went swimming which was really fun. One of the most important things we did though was work on safety procedures. We did a mock search for a missing camper and went though CPR training. We also learned how to teach archery which was cool and fun fact I shoot lefty with a bow. Thursday we did an overnight across the lake, built fires, and checked in for the summer; honestly checking in was probably the best part of the week as well as the most emotional. Monday we get the first campers and I couldn't be more excited to help camp let these kids really be kids. Thursday I got to meet an amazing guy in person, after talking for a while online and on the phone (texting and calling! What a concept). Matt and I met up at the Mall of America and we walked around for a while being less awkward than we could have been thankfully. We had dinner there and then drove to a hotel near Valley Fair; before you get you panties in a bunch you should know that there were people that knew where I was and I also had my knife and pepper spray. I was good to go safe. Anyway, once we got to the hotel I got to learn how to play a new game called Flux which for the record I love as much as I hate... I think we played about four times over the weekend and I only won once by sheer luck! Friday we got up almost reluctantly (Because it seemed so early) and we went to Valley Fair. We couldn't have asked for a nicer day to go either, It got up to 80 degrees. The first ride we went on was The extreme swing and oh my god I forgot how much I hated that ride!!! I would have totally preferred going on the Wild Thing or Steel Venom first! We stayed there for six or seven hours and I got more sun than I did the entire time I was in California!!! We got a little bit toasted... #nosunscreen. (I hate # but it seemed appropriate). While we were there I tried to gauge what he thought of me and I couldn't seem to figure it out. He says one thing but then I sense something totally different. It's a bit confusing but I like him so I'm trying not to make assumptions on what he could possible think about me. Spending time at the hotel got to be pretty fun too even though there were a few hiccups, some of which I think were more than mere hiccups. Fun fact: Matt is a seriously good kisser and he has a fantastic butt :p It's weird to think that his booty is the first one I've grabbed *insert devilish grin.* Saturday we had lunch and saw a movie (spy) before we had to go our separate ways. I didn't want to have this first date / hangout plus to end, but all things must. Before we left I asked what the deal was going to be once we ended our weekend and basically from what was said I'm not sure this is going to go anywhere but I really wish it could and would. He is super sweet, understanding, sexy, smart, and fun. I don't know what to do now because I want to see if this could be something but I also don't want to waste time if it can't be. I want to commit to trying this out, but unfortunately I don't think he does. We're both going to be pretty busy now and I don't know when we would even be able to see each other again. I'm stuck and confused now.
School: Still as sucky as ever. Except I get to work on my final with my friend Phoebe; we're discussing the impact of digital textbooks on learning. I need this to be over now. I'm scared.
Personal: My entire body aches and I'm not quite sure why. Friends: I got a letter from my friend Kari and I think that she's right about me needing to focus on loving myself. Extrapolating from that I think I need to learn to be a better friend. My friend Michael has me interested in learning about new video game things, although I'm still slightly concerned about the major suck that shows itself when I even attempt to play anything other than board games. I got to talk to my friend Breezy for the first time in ever and I am so excited and I cant even believe that I get to go see her in May! Unfortunately I've kind of drifted from my friends that are here at school which is bad. Family: I have literally no clue whats going on there either. So the thing is that I am finding it very hard to focus on anything at all. I'm not sure if this is because I've been sick or it is an actual problem that needs dealing with. I don't feel comfortable telling anyone just yet, in case it is only because I've been sick.
On a different note, I have made the decision that I can not be alone for my life. I don't know how I am going to get past this fear of social situations so that I can potentially meet somebody who may enjoy my presence on a semi regular basis. I've unfortunately gone through all the people that are in my life and none are interested, or we have already tried to no avail... Why am I stuck on the men I can't have? Why did I fuck it up? ugg. talk laters gumdrop This summer before I start work I get to go see my friend in California. She is the Squeezy to my Gumdrop and I am so excited because I haven't seen her since Christmas. It has been way too long because I hardly ever get to talk to her and I feel as though we are drifting apart and soon she won't want to be the Squeezy to my Gumdrop anymore. I'll be in California over my birthday and she will still be in school the entire time I am there, and one of my biggest fears is that she won't actually have time for me while I am there and since I'm going there alone she is the only one I'll have the opportunity to see. I guess I just worry that it isn't the perfect idea I thought it would be. We have been apart for way too long and one of us is bound to have changed in a way the other can't handle; maybe we both have. I don't want to lose one of my last friends because we haven't been able to keep in touch well enough. What if it's too late? I almost just don't want to know.
|
gumdropThe story of me will never be complete. Archives
June 2017
|