I am in the middle of a 6 week nutrition and exercise program, and last weekend I really fell off the wagon. I gained instead of lost over the weekend and that really put a damper on everything monday when I weighed in and realized my mistake. I am now pushing forward in the middle of week four and feeling back on track even though getting up and hitting the gym before work is a nightmare in itself.
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So I'm talking to this guy named Tristan, if that's even what it can be called... we keep chatting on and off and then he'll suddenly be gone for a few weeks before talking to me again. I was pretty sure he was only hitting me up when he was off his ass drunk but yesterday it was right when he got off work so now I'm sure he's just playing me. But I don't know if I'm letting it happen because I legitimately find it funny, I'm hopeful we will actually hook up, or if I'm just desperate. The fact that the third is an option worries me a bit. When he does deign to message me it's quite often about sex and how much he wants me even though I am "a bigger girl and not usually his type" excuse me? who do you think you are? Rant over.
Last night I went out on a date and it did not go well. There was no chemistry between us at all, he was acting strange the whole time, and he smelled as though he worked out for two hours and then put on clothes that had been worn a week straight. I really did try to go into this with an open mind but was immediately on edge when he didn't even remotely look like what he said he did. I'm not one for lies. Dinner was fine but he kept asking very personal and prodding questions and was excessively trying to play footsie with me under the table even when I made it clear that I wanted that to stop. After dinner I really wanted to just beg off and go home but I had agreed to laser tag and so we went and I, of course, kicked ass.
I do not regret going on this date, but I just won't repeat that particular date. My best friends mom recently asked me to help her surprise her daughter with a wonderfully decorated room for her return to Minnesota in December, she wanted to meet up and plan everything out so we could get started. After work I met up with her and we started planning until I looked up from my notebook and there they were! Breezy and Clayton were back and had stunned me with this visit. I legitimately couldn't have been happier I talked their ears off and we spent the night with a pajama party and board games. In the morning we had to go our separate ways for thanksgiving but we met up again on saturday to play pokemon before they had to fly back home the following week. I can't wait to see them again in December!
Up and at it again at 4:30 am... We got picked up to go shark diving! We are pumped, still drunk, and tired as fuck; at least we had a 2.5 hour drive to sleep and sober up before we get there, and trust me we used it to our advantage! We had breakfast there while we went over some safety information about the cage and the boat; after that we all loaded up and got out to where we were going to be diving. As the crew was getting the cage into the water we saw one shark come up to the surface which was awesome. The first group went in and Breezy and I got into our wet suits and I started getting a little seasick at this point but I had to push that aside since WE WERE UP!! we got into the cage in the water which was a whole 12 degrees Celsius (about 53 Fahrenheit), great right? We were freezing our asses off while my seasickness was progressively getting worse and after what seemed like forever and no sharks later I had to get our early because I felt like I was going to get sick, which I totally did right after I got out. To quote my father "Drunk and Seasick. Good times!!!!" Which is fair... I'm not sure which was more at fault for me getting sick; I hadn't eaten much and the only drinks I had since I got off the plane were all alcohol. Never making that mistake again. Been religiously drinking water since then. I was afraid I was going to miss out on sharks since I left the cage early, but the only shark of the day was that first one so the only thing I missed out on was more cold water. I'm not complaining about that! I started to feel better as soon as we got back in and we ate. Another 2.5 hours home then a shower and nap until dinner. We decided not to go out for dinner and so we ordered in pizza, that way we could use the Ranch I brought her. She was so excited about that, no lie thrilled that she might have enough to get her through the rest of her stay. While we were looking up pizzas we discovered that banana on pizza is a thing??? How on earth do people complain about pineapple on pizza when this atrocity exists? Granted I would try it just so I could legitimately voice my opinion, but until then I still think it's so freaking gross just to think about. Bacon and banana seemed to be a popular option in case any of y'all wanted to try it out. Above photos taken by Breezy Meyer
So I arrived in cape town tonight at 9:30 after about 30 hours of travel and a 7 hour time change. When I got to Breezy's house she comes out to the front gate and literally have the best and longest hug ever, as if we haven't seen each other in years. When we go inside I meet a few of her house mates (EVERYBODY HERE LOVES TO HUG AND NOBODY WARNED ME) and I pretty much haven't slept at this point and we had plans to go out already so I jumped in the shower and Breezy brought me a shot to "get on her level" and as soon as I was out of the shower and dressed her house mates and I were off to a party in this really swanky hotel room. We were drinking vodka and Powerade and I was strongly urged by Breezy to take it slow, which I did for the most part... but after chilling for a while we decided to play Kings which I totally lost and by this time I was smashed; not that I would admit it. At this point people were leaving and breaking off into smaller groups if they haven't left. I was talking to one of the guys there and we were hitting it off but I knew I had to be up early so I went to find out what time we were leaving the party but instead the guy I was with pulled me aside into the bathroom and got me to go down on him. I'm not complaining about that, I own my drunk decisions; what I am complaining about is that I didn't want to fuck him and he was not one to take no for an answer and I was clear headed enough that I literally shoved him into the wall and told him that he needed to take no for an answer so either he was leaving or I was and since his pants were around his ankles he shouldn't try to stop me. Then I wanted to leave and I tried to go down the stairs and I was drunk and flustered and fell down half the flight of stairs. I didn't know where to go so I went to chill on the balcony until we could leave but whats-his-nuts accosted me out there too. Thank god not long later everybody was ready to leave, I was drunk and so done with the night. We got home crazy freaking late and had about 15 minutes before we had to get up for shark diving the next day. We set the tone for the trip that first night; crazy good, crazy high, just plain crazy. We'll see if the rest of the trip follows. Not going to lie, I'm thrilled that drunk me stood up for herself this time.
Here's the deal, I've just set down a path that could change my life. I've discovered my mother to be a narcissist and I detest how that has shaped my life to this point. In my recovery I have lost several friends and family members; and they all seem to rattle off the same line. "You've changed." While that is true I have changed in positive ways, I stand up for myself now and nobody seems to like that. So now I'm selfish and rude because I won't let my friends walk all over me. I'm scared because I feel entirely alone, and I don't know how things are going to get any better. I get home from work and I'm immediately saddened because I have nobody to talk to and nothing of substance in my life. I'm hoping that starting my second job and going to therapy are fair distractions.
Actually I want to talk about contraception (AKA birth control), and more specifically birth control that is available for men. I just read an article about a condom free male birth control that could be on sale in the next two years, it's called Vasalgel and it seems to be the equivalent of the female IUD. There are a ton of contraception methods for women including the diaphragm, daily birth control pills, a weekly patch, a vaginal ring (like nuva ring), hormone shots or implants whereas contraceptive methods for men include using protein blocking tablets or choosing to get a vasectomy (a very permanent option).
As a woman I have many options to choose from to suit my needs, I decided that an intrauterine device (IUD) would be best for me... and bonus NO PERIODS. However as I was reading this article I thought about this from a mans perspective, they don't have many options and one of their main options is a very permanent one. I've spoken to a few of my male friends and they all tell me that they rely on condoms as their only form of contraception and "whatever she's on." What if she's not "on" anything, what if the condom breaks? What if you're out having a good time and you want to hook up and you don't have a condom (which you should... you don't know this girl... don't be stupid...) wouldn't you want to at least know you're not going to get a kid out of this? Now I personally love the fact that my contraceptive has my covered for 3 years, but wouldn't it be great if men had the option to have reversible, long lasting birth control? Check out the article. If I didn't make sense.. It will. I am thinking of mixing it up a bit on here. Let's see how this goes.
I realize that when I fall into a pit of darkness is when I most remember my blog. I seem to blog when the thought in my head is "who do i tell the real truth, who will hold me when i'm crying and need a hug because of the real truth, and who will love me regardless of the real truth."
Sometimes I think about a life we could have together. It's a work of fiction, yet somehow I become hopeful.
I've figured out why I can't be in a relationship with a nice normal guy who would treat me nicely. It would be too real. I am so disconnected that I couldn't handle that. If my other "relationships" hurt so bad, why would I try a real one? I feel as though I don't deserve to be happy and safe.
Fun fact: In France it is acceptable to ask to have sex a minimum 30 minutes after having met the person.
Also the french generally start with sex and build relationships from there if both parties are still interested. I went on a date saturday!! His name was Cody and he was a really nice guy, that being said I don't know how to handle this. I've had a relationship with a mean guy, an awkward man, and I've enjoyed a rendezvous now and again, and I've had fuck buddies. Throughout all of these I have needed to resort to a tough exterior; nothing real, no emotion. I'm having a hard time opening up and being me but that's only the first problem... since he isn't "bad" in any way I don't find myself attracted to him. I know that People go on dates and get to know each other but my history is maybe go on a "date", have sex, move on. HELP!!!
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June 2017
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