Having fear, stress, and anxiety has been something I have always been ashamed of; I have tried so hard to make sure that nobody would ever know. I always thought that I should just be able to deal with it on my own and get over it, I have focused all of my energy on not letting that get out that everything else in my life has suffered. With everything else suffering, keeping all the problems and struggles became a full time job and I just fell apart. I'm trying to get everything back together; it isn't going to be easy and I'm not even sure I can come back from this, but you can be damn sure I'm going to try.
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I feel as if I am in the mud, I have the rope to pull myself out and yet all I can do is sink. I sink further into the darkness and I don't know how to shed light on the situation. I know there isn't a magic switch to fix everything and do right; there isn't a blank slate to start from scratch, I can't be re-born just for the hell of it. I can't even truly admit that something is wrong. I feel as though this is all my fault and I just need to tough it out and figure it out. I need help. I need to ask for help and I can't. I'm just going to keep sinking; things are only going to get darker. I'm close to accepting this as my fate. I know this isn't something I should accept, is it?
Thanks for listening It is truly appreciated Gumdrop My fame name is Alice Elaine Von Maas. It rolls quite nicely if you ask me.
Just a little something to let you know that today is National Gumdrop Day.
Not only are there two sides to every story; there are two sides to every thought, statement, and idea. I see people posting on Facebook about everything from the last thing they did to what is currently the bane of their existence. I think it is people asking for attention a lot of the time; it is an easy way to get sympathy and attention without actually seeing anybody. Yet on the flip-side I have always been taught to deal with things by myself; I don't see why people want to do this. Perhaps that is why I turned to photography and am not the greatest conversationalist? Anyhow, since I don't know how to talk to people I don't know how to express myself appropriately to others, so what I see as asking for time to process something ends up looking to them like I am angry or bitter and locked away. I see talking about how I feel as complaining and weak, I listen to others talk about how they feel and I see a person with a lot going on and a healthy person. I can't help but wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with anybody. Hell, I am so stuck in not sharing anything that I can't even say the whole truth in a personal journal. There are people in my life that think I should see a therapist, but I only see that as a waste of money because I can not make myself share a single thing. I keep things in until I have a break, or an episode as I've begun calling them. I try to be normal and do things I think are expected of me and all it does is hurt. Even just the most basic and normal things seem wrong with me and I can not do them. I was torn in half when somebody I really care for extricated themselves from my life so suddenly and permanently. There is still something I need to say to this person. I'm so good at saying the wrong thing that I have just stopped saying anything though. In all honesty I feel that I need a shoulder to cry on; that's the only thing I know to be okay. I need a life eraser; I have made so many mistakes. I need a friend really badly.
so this week is sexual responsibility week; it's good timing since valentines day is on saturday. I got a safer sex kit which included a Hershey's kiss, can anybody tell me how that promotes safe sex? I mean I totally understand the condoms and the list of resources. Honestly, I even understand the "just wear it" bumper sticker. All week there is a romantic bedroom display (as they put it) which from what I saw is just a bed covered in rose petals... so very romantic. Tuesday there is a sex signals lecture, I think I may go just for shits and giggles; I'll let you know how that turns out if I do end up going. Wednesday I am excited for because there is a charity dream date auction, I don't want to be a date, (especially since I have absolutely no money) but it should be really fun to watch everything go down... if you know what I mean! I'm kidding of course, it should actually be fun. There is also a create a critter event as well as a medieval birth control lecture; one more inviting than the other obviously!
I haven't exactly been doing the best in the romance department; I have had only two relationships both long term and neither serious, and that can be added to a string of poor life man choices. Yet for some reason I am thinking of marriage; that's weird right? I want to be in love and have somebody to go home to every night. I want to be able to talk about my day, even the most boring parts. I'm selfishly thinking of having somebody who will care for me as I care for them. I am on quite the imaginary romance kick; don't you think?
These days I find myself daydreaming a lot more frequently; unfortunately I am only thinking of something that never was and never will be. I keep dreaming about having a child. Sure that could be considered normal, however I keep dreaming of having a conflict with the father and then having to raise a baby on my own. It is truly an odd thing. I don't want anything like this, especially not now in my life. Hell I can't even handle school right now and I don't know what I want to do after school. I have a lot to do and figure out before I'm even in a place to consider thinking about dreaming about having a baby. I long for something that was just a momentary scare in my life. I can't figure out what is wrong with me. I need a dream.
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gumdropThe story of me will never be complete. Archives
June 2017
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