So today I missed the first half of school to go to "counseling" which is really just a nicer way to say therapy... I went with my brother this time, it was technically our second appointment because we went in last week for a bunch of paperwork, including the forms that help them decide if you are mentally stable. Which I am fairly certain I am not. Next week though I'm going to the appointment all on my own which really means that I am going to be able to basically throw all my feelings at her. All the stupid thoughts Going on up in my brain. Thoughts about my mom, my dad, my friends, my nonexistent love life, my virtual life, the fact that there are people in my life that want me to get high, and others that want to get me drunk.
After I had therapy I went back to school and I seriously do not know why, I was there for part of my physics class and English where we watched a movie and that is all, I was supposed to go to French club but i didn't do that either . Instead I stayed up at the front of the school and i talked to my dearest and nearest friend Breezy, she is such a peach. She brought me souvenirs from her trip to Florida... SHE GOT ME ELEPHANT EARRINGS AND AN ELEPHANT KEY-CHAIN (for those of you who haven't been fully informed, I absolutely LOVE elephants, they are super amazing and i might be mildly obsessed with them), SHE ALSO GOT ME THE MOST AMAZING NECKLACE. I am super happy. She loves me even though I am such an ass. After school I also went in to the office to pay for my prom ticket, yearbook, and senior shirt. I guess I am officially committed to this whole prom thing now that I'm almost $200.00 invested into it. This had better be good That feeling you get when you pay for your prom ticket in all one dollar bills. . I do not want to be in your fucking loop anymore. It makes me sad. I can't compete with your life. You're amazing. You have it all figured out. You brush me off because I have problems. You don't care, you want to be friends when things are good and happy. I need a friend when things aren't good or happy. How come I am that friend, but I don't ever get to have that friend. I'm afraid I start talking and I won't be able to stop. And you'll hate me. Your life is more important than mine. My problems make me crazy and nobody wants to deal with me. I know I suck. I get it. And you are great, I can't handle the comparison, the judgement, the hatred. I'm ignored forgotten and pushed away by all the minute my exterior cracks. I cry, I get jealous, I am denied and hurt. Tell me please, will it be okay? Do I have any real friends? Am I even worth it? Better than this.. -gumdrop What the fuck is my problem? I don't understand, will somebody tell me what's wrong with me? I'm jealous of my friends around me, they all have what I can't. They all have something special. My best friend has so many men that want her, she's got curves and can flirt with anybody, seriously. I'm just there like "Hey guys, I breathe too..." I'm so awkward and can not flirt to save my life. Every guy wants her, and she has her pick. I literally can not be around her without getting jealous, judged, or sad. And this is my best friend I am talking about, talk about a healthy relationship... Not only that but I talk to people online, and I'll be honest, I am a total jackass. I'm talking to these guys and two of them "love" me, I've never met them, they live somewhere in Illinois and Colorado, I don't understand how you can feel that way in under a month especially having never met me. It doesn't fit with what usually happens, falling in love with anybody else around me. But me being the terrible human that I am, I said I love you too, to both of them. Why would I do that? They're both sweet, but I've never met them, and I am not in love. Then there's a couple guys from Saudi Arabia who keep chatting with me, basically saying I'm great, and don't get me wrong... It's sweet, but really weird. Lastly, there's this guy I met him online as well, but he's a sweetheart, he's nerdy and dorky and afraid of storms. And sadly people pick on him and I don't understand why, he's great. So I helped him out just a little, I told him he could tell people we were dating and sent him some "proof" so he could get his asshat cousins off his back. He told me that he likes me too, I don't know what it is about the internet but apparently I'm attractive online.... How come I'm so messed up that I can't get a date here in Minnesota? Am I that icky, are others just that hot? Am I not smart/funny/pretty/witty/exciting enough? Hate my life at the moment. Love yourself first -Gumdrop.
I feel like both my social and my love life are just a sick joke to those around me. basically i think my entire life is just a joke, I'm a game to everybody. this rocks. really, i totally love it...
I hope yours is better than mine - Gumdrop I want to disappear. I'm afraid I can't hold on, I'm scared. I want to hurt, to feel anything at all. I'm losing grip, falling in the pit. I can't hold on. can't think straight, what's lost on me, whats wrong? would they notice if I let go,
If I fell? can they see me holding on, my slipping grip, on the edge of the pit? would they push me in? be gone, good riddance? will they make me disappear, would they try? I'm holding on, and I want out. I want to hurt, to love, to feel anything at all. I'm holding on, I've almost got a grip. don't make me go, don't watch me leave, don't let me disappear...
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gumdropThe story of me will never be complete. Archives
June 2017
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