Sometimes I think about a life we could have together. It's a work of fiction, yet somehow I become hopeful.
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I've figured out why I can't be in a relationship with a nice normal guy who would treat me nicely. It would be too real. I am so disconnected that I couldn't handle that. If my other "relationships" hurt so bad, why would I try a real one? I feel as though I don't deserve to be happy and safe.
Fun fact: In France it is acceptable to ask to have sex a minimum 30 minutes after having met the person.
Also the french generally start with sex and build relationships from there if both parties are still interested. I went on a date saturday!! His name was Cody and he was a really nice guy, that being said I don't know how to handle this. I've had a relationship with a mean guy, an awkward man, and I've enjoyed a rendezvous now and again, and I've had fuck buddies. Throughout all of these I have needed to resort to a tough exterior; nothing real, no emotion. I'm having a hard time opening up and being me but that's only the first problem... since he isn't "bad" in any way I don't find myself attracted to him. I know that People go on dates and get to know each other but my history is maybe go on a "date", have sex, move on. HELP!!!
I am beginning to think that I am in love and that there is nothing I can ever do about it. I spent my sunday night through monday afternoon with a man who can not offer me more than we are; friends with benefits. I know I am worth more, yet I can’t seem to be bothered to remember that when I think of him, talk to him, or when i am with him. I put up a good front; sometimes I even fool myself. Yet , the moment one real thought makes its way to center stage in my mind I can’t stop my truth. I do care, and it does hurt me. It's becoming harder to get the words in my head out, as I find it increasingly difficult to come up with coherent sentences. I keep wondering what would have happened if I had said it, "I love you." There were times I would realize that it is true and I would do anything for him. I've explained that I have social anxiety and I fight it everyday, I've mentioned that I am self conscious, and I have mentioned that I've been hurt before. With him I don't feel shy and anxious, I want to show him all of me and I want to be somebody that can help him be happy, not just a quick roll in the hay. This isn't something new, just something I am beginning to embrace. I love him unconditionally just as he cannot love me, some may say that I shouldn't love him if he doesn't, cannot, or will not love me as well. I believe that is all the more reason he needs my love, no strings attached. I will love him in any way he needs me to. It's going to break my heart. I accept that.
yesterday my dad got remarried
i now have 2 brothers and 1 sister I'm going to hook up with an old fling today I am taking diet pills I can see I have a problem... Why do I let myself get my hopes up? Why did I think that this might be different this time? Nothing has changed. Not even a little. Am I desperate, in love, or fatally attracted to the bad boy? Why do I want the one person who wants nothing more than sex? I don't even know If he honesty finds me attractive. He said "you want to have sex with me and if you want to keep doing it I want..." Why was I okay with this statement? I should have been appalled. Yet for some reason I had hope that he may have actually wanted to be with me. Should I thank him for setting me straight? "Are we going back to our original agreement; friends with benefits." Sure, what else can I say. You're what I want, take it or leave it. Although I should leave it. I know I want more from you. You know I want more too. Do you secretly want more or are you using me because you know you can; do you care about me? I'm going to crash and burn and I can't turn away from you. Did you're most recent flame burn out, is that why you're taking to me again? If we do this are you going to be fucking other girls? I don't have any right to ask you that, do I? Sure we both are free to make choices and sleep with other people, after all it's only friends with benefits. Either way It's plain to see that I wouldn't be sleeping around. I'm not the type. Even with friends with benefits. Especially with you. I already know how this will end, and it's not good. For me. I want to disappear.
I'm afraid I can't hold on, I'm scared. I want to hurt, to feel anything at all. I'm losing grip, falling in the pit, I can't hold on, can't think straight, what's lost on me, what's wrong? would they notice if I let go, if i fell? can they see me holding on, my slipping grip? on the edge of the pit? would they push me in? be gone, good riddance? will they make me disappear, will they try? I'm holding on, I want out. I want to hurt, to love, to feel anything at all. I'm holding on, I've almost got a grip. don't make me go, don't watch me leave, don't let me disappear. I'm holding on. I recently looked back through my journal and found a few interesting things including the confirmation letters I received from my parents. I went back and read them again and they still make me cry so I can't share them with you. As well as finding these letters I found a poem type thing that I wrote a while ago; I don't know what i think of it but I will share it with you in my next post.
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gumdropThe story of me will never be complete. Archives
June 2017
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