I am beginning to think that I am in love and that there is nothing I can ever do about it. I spent my sunday night through monday afternoon with a man who can not offer me more than we are; friends with benefits. I know I am worth more, yet I can’t seem to be bothered to remember that when I think of him, talk to him, or when i am with him. I put up a good front; sometimes I even fool myself. Yet , the moment one real thought makes its way to center stage in my mind I can’t stop my truth. I do care, and it does hurt me. It's becoming harder to get the words in my head out, as I find it increasingly difficult to come up with coherent sentences. I keep wondering what would have happened if I had said it, "I love you." There were times I would realize that it is true and I would do anything for him. I've explained that I have social anxiety and I fight it everyday, I've mentioned that I am self conscious, and I have mentioned that I've been hurt before. With him I don't feel shy and anxious, I want to show him all of me and I want to be somebody that can help him be happy, not just a quick roll in the hay. This isn't something new, just something I am beginning to embrace. I love him unconditionally just as he cannot love me, some may say that I shouldn't love him if he doesn't, cannot, or will not love me as well. I believe that is all the more reason he needs my love, no strings attached. I will love him in any way he needs me to. It's going to break my heart. I accept that.
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gumdropThe story of me will never be complete. Archives
June 2017
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