I'm going to try something a little different today because I have a lot of time on my hands. I'm going to describe something or other and then ask you to vote on it, because why the hell not. I know I don't have a ton of people that follow my blog but I'm going to see who has anything to say. Also I just really need some outside ideas and perspectives.
I haven't spoken to a single human being yet today and it's after four in the afternoon. I spent my day adding photos to the site and hoping that at least one of the two people I seriously wanted to speak to would forgive me my insanity and talk to me for a while. But neither of them wants to speak to me and worse than that, nobody else seems to want to talk to me either.
I'm just lonely, Gumdrop It's after six and the only thing I am sincerely amazed by today is that it's the first time anybody has called me out on my motives in a conversation. In fact I thanked him for it. I have always rationalized that nobody wants to hear why I'm asking something or saying something, yet in reality it must be frustrating to have a question come out of nowhere with no explanation other than pure curiosity. I did have a reason and follow up questions and an ulterior motive as I put it; instead I froze and lied about just being curious I'm not entirely sure why I did. My best guess is that I'm either scared of what response I would get or that I'm just intimidated for personal reasons. Unfortunately I have yet to figure out which it is. I don't know why I just can't be open with people, I never give them a chance to respond to what I'm thinking because I never share. I decide what I want to ask or say or talk about and then chicken out and generally just give some crappy excuse. How am I supposed to be a person worth the time when I don't give others the time? I need to commit to opening my self up and trusting I won't be torn in two by what others think and say. What's the worst that could happen anyway? There's no guarantee people will stick around, and that is what I'm most afraid of. The worst thing that could happen is everybody could decide I'm not worth the time; can I truly blame them if I don't even think I am?
Always torn in two, Gumdrop I just want to sleep with someone. literally sleep. I sleep better when I'm not alone.
Today has already pushed my buttons. My brother's best friend came to me with a problem and it put me between me and an old friend. It sucks because I was really hoping to be on better terms with my friend. Days since last problematic confrontation: 0
My dream last night was crazy real and unfortunately made me realize that I still have some residual feelings for an old flame. You may be thinking that this isn't really a problem, however it seriously is for me. This guy has always been out of my league, and it didn't end well the first time. When the flame fizzled I was burned; I thought I was over him once and for all just to discover that I subconsciously want to go back for more. What the actual hell.
begging to be burned..? Gumdrop Yesterday I met up with a couple of friends from high school. It was a really good time. I remembered a lot of good things from the past. It made me really want to go back. I truly wish I could have hung out with Michael and Kari longer. Kari's boyfriend seemed really nice although he didn't say much. I'm really happy for her, I'm glad she's found somebody she's serious enough with that she wants to bring home. Before this I had seen Kari over winter break, and while I had seen Michael too it was barely in passing. So it was nice to kind of catch up with him. While I was with the two of them I realized there isn't a lot that I tell the both of them; some things are Kari specific like my emotional life because I need a girl's perspective, and some things I'd rather talk to Michael about like certain school things because I think he understands. I talk to Kari fairly regularly however I hadn't realized until last night that I seriously miss talking to Michael. I also realized that I don't have a super close friendship like the ones I see between my other friends and I envy that. I have real friends, but no real friendships. -Gumdrop Having fear, stress, and anxiety has been something I have always been ashamed of; I have tried so hard to make sure that nobody would ever know. I always thought that I should just be able to deal with it on my own and get over it, I have focused all of my energy on not letting that get out that everything else in my life has suffered. With everything else suffering, keeping all the problems and struggles became a full time job and I just fell apart. I'm trying to get everything back together; it isn't going to be easy and I'm not even sure I can come back from this, but you can be damn sure I'm going to try.
I feel as if I am in the mud, I have the rope to pull myself out and yet all I can do is sink. I sink further into the darkness and I don't know how to shed light on the situation. I know there isn't a magic switch to fix everything and do right; there isn't a blank slate to start from scratch, I can't be re-born just for the hell of it. I can't even truly admit that something is wrong. I feel as though this is all my fault and I just need to tough it out and figure it out. I need help. I need to ask for help and I can't. I'm just going to keep sinking; things are only going to get darker. I'm close to accepting this as my fate. I know this isn't something I should accept, is it?
Thanks for listening It is truly appreciated Gumdrop My fame name is Alice Elaine Von Maas. It rolls quite nicely if you ask me.
Just a little something to let you know that today is National Gumdrop Day.
Not only are there two sides to every story; there are two sides to every thought, statement, and idea. I see people posting on Facebook about everything from the last thing they did to what is currently the bane of their existence. I think it is people asking for attention a lot of the time; it is an easy way to get sympathy and attention without actually seeing anybody. Yet on the flip-side I have always been taught to deal with things by myself; I don't see why people want to do this. Perhaps that is why I turned to photography and am not the greatest conversationalist? Anyhow, since I don't know how to talk to people I don't know how to express myself appropriately to others, so what I see as asking for time to process something ends up looking to them like I am angry or bitter and locked away. I see talking about how I feel as complaining and weak, I listen to others talk about how they feel and I see a person with a lot going on and a healthy person. I can't help but wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with anybody. Hell, I am so stuck in not sharing anything that I can't even say the whole truth in a personal journal. There are people in my life that think I should see a therapist, but I only see that as a waste of money because I can not make myself share a single thing. I keep things in until I have a break, or an episode as I've begun calling them. I try to be normal and do things I think are expected of me and all it does is hurt. Even just the most basic and normal things seem wrong with me and I can not do them. I was torn in half when somebody I really care for extricated themselves from my life so suddenly and permanently. There is still something I need to say to this person. I'm so good at saying the wrong thing that I have just stopped saying anything though. In all honesty I feel that I need a shoulder to cry on; that's the only thing I know to be okay. I need a life eraser; I have made so many mistakes. I need a friend really badly.
so this week is sexual responsibility week; it's good timing since valentines day is on saturday. I got a safer sex kit which included a Hershey's kiss, can anybody tell me how that promotes safe sex? I mean I totally understand the condoms and the list of resources. Honestly, I even understand the "just wear it" bumper sticker. All week there is a romantic bedroom display (as they put it) which from what I saw is just a bed covered in rose petals... so very romantic. Tuesday there is a sex signals lecture, I think I may go just for shits and giggles; I'll let you know how that turns out if I do end up going. Wednesday I am excited for because there is a charity dream date auction, I don't want to be a date, (especially since I have absolutely no money) but it should be really fun to watch everything go down... if you know what I mean! I'm kidding of course, it should actually be fun. There is also a create a critter event as well as a medieval birth control lecture; one more inviting than the other obviously!
I haven't exactly been doing the best in the romance department; I have had only two relationships both long term and neither serious, and that can be added to a string of poor life man choices. Yet for some reason I am thinking of marriage; that's weird right? I want to be in love and have somebody to go home to every night. I want to be able to talk about my day, even the most boring parts. I'm selfishly thinking of having somebody who will care for me as I care for them. I am on quite the imaginary romance kick; don't you think?
|
gumdropThe story of me will never be complete. Archives
June 2017
|