These days I find myself daydreaming a lot more frequently; unfortunately I am only thinking of something that never was and never will be. I keep dreaming about having a child. Sure that could be considered normal, however I keep dreaming of having a conflict with the father and then having to raise a baby on my own. It is truly an odd thing. I don't want anything like this, especially not now in my life. Hell I can't even handle school right now and I don't know what I want to do after school. I have a lot to do and figure out before I'm even in a place to consider thinking about dreaming about having a baby. I long for something that was just a momentary scare in my life. I can't figure out what is wrong with me. I need a dream.
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So I'm thinking of joining roller derby. I'm excited, and this should be fun! Thoughts?
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT, IT WAS A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE ACTUALLY. THE WORST PART WAS THAT IT SEEMED SO REAL, I WOKE UP SO AFRAID. HOWEVER FOR YOU TO REALLY UNDERSTAND YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT OVER MY WINTER BREAK FROM SCHOOL I WENT HOME AND MADE A CHOICE I SHOULDN'T HAVE, I SLEPT WITH TAYLOR AGAIN. THE ONE GUY WHO I CAN NEVER ACTUALLY BE WITH FOR REASONS BESIDES THE POINT.
ANYHOW, THE DREAM STARTS AND I AM ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MISSED A PERIOD AND I'M TELLING MYSELF THAT IT CAN'T BE POSSIBLE, I WAS ON BIRTH CONTROL. SO OBVIOUSLY THE NEXT THING TO DO IS TAKE A TEST... I. AM. PREGNANT. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? I'M FREAKING OUT AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANYBODY TO TALK TO BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS. I CAN'T TELL MY BEST FRIEND OR MY PARENTS, I DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO GOD DAMN STUPID? WHAT'S WORSE? I HAVE TO TELL THE FATHER. OH HOLY HELL. MY HEART STARTS BEATING FASTER AS I DIAL HIS NUMBER, WHAT IF HE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME? WHAT IF HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS? WHY AM I ASKING MYSELF THESE QUESTIONS WHEN I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO? HE ANSWERS WITH, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” I CAN TELL THAT THIS ISN’T GOING TO BE PLEASANT SO I BLURT, “I DON'T WANT ANYTHING, I'M PREGNANT AND IT'S YOURS.” AND THAT IS WHEN I WOKE UP. THIS WAS PROBABLY THE MOST TERRIFYING DREAM I HAVE HAD IN A LONG WHILE. I THINK ITS FUNNY HOW WHAT WE CONSIDER A NIGHTMARE CHANGES AS WE DO. FROM MONSTERS UNDER THE BED TO UNEXPECTED PREGNANCY. I'LL TAKE THOSE MONSTERS ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. SWEET DREAMS ALWAYS, GUMDROP Today I had a conversation with the neighbors on my floor. We were talking about weddings and chocolate, so hear me out...
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Run your car off the side of the road Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare This is where the rubber meets the road This is where the cream is gonna rise This is what you really didn't know This is where the truth don't lie You find out who your friends are Somebody's gonna drop everything Run out and crank up their car Hit the gas, get there fast Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far' They just show on up with their big old heart You find out who your friends are Everybody wants to slap your back wants to shake your hand when you're up on top of that mountain But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up and see who's around then This ain't where the road comes to an end This ain't where the bandwagon stops This is just one of those times when A lot of folks jump off When the water's high When the weather's not so fair When the well runs dry Who's gonna be there? | Find out who your friends are is a song I think everybody should know, that everybody should think about. It really puts a lot into perspective for me. The most recent example I have is that I was driving my friend Breezy home around two in the morning and I took a corner a little too fast, we ended up in the ditch more stuck in the dirt than the snow. We called Clayton, to pick us up more than anything because we were in the ditch facing oncoming traffic. But when he got there he began digging us out, he didn't have to do that and I owe him one. He is my new favorite. Not going to lie, the whole thing had me completely freaked out. We had also called breezy's brother and when he finally answered the phone and she asked him to come help us he said no... cool beans, (At least both of our dads came to help too). On another note though, I have a sinking feeling that most of my friends are only on the bandwagon when I'm on top of the mountain. I leave you with this: is it better to be on top all the time not knowing who your friends are, or to fall from that mountain devastated but finding out who your real friends are? What about when you're climbing that mountain and the friends you gain along the way, how do you know they are true? |
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To understand the situation you need to know that my parents are in the middle of a divorce, honestly they have hit a wall. They are living separately and this is the first Christmas like this, things are going to go well don't you think? Anyhow, Christmas eve my brother and I spent with my dad at his house, it was wonderful. things were going well when we all went to bed and morning just came way too soon. In the morning my brother and I left to go to my mother's home. Things went smoothly until the afternoon when we went to my grandmothers...
We were all there from my grandparents to my aunt and uncles family, the only person missing was my dad. okay, weird already for me. So we do what we always do and we eat and then open gifts. It was after gifts that things got rocky, me and my brother were talking and my mom blocked us in a room and started yelling at us for everything from my gifts being subpar to my brother no longer being allowed to go to his dads house. WHAT THE HELL, IT'S CHRISTMAS. YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY THAT TO YOUR SON BECAUSE YOU ARE ANGRY! Then my brother, reasonably, got pissed. This was not the time, day, or place for this, everybody could hear what was going on, I didn't want to be a part of it. So then I was going to leave and she started in on me again and all I got out of it was that I'm basically a worthless daughter and I'm terrible and she wants nothing to do with me anymore. I've had no contact from her since and I don't expect any in the future. Christmas has forever been ruined. Luckily I was able to save the evening because a friend and I went to a movie and it was a good time, for the most part. Oh, but when I got home the night still wasn't over... why end christmas on a positive note? I got a phone call, my friends house was broken into and she was robbed and she needed me there because she was scared and had to take inventory to know what was missing. The poor dear, so I had to go over there to help her. And that is how I spent Christmas night. Christmas sucks.
Moving on?
-gumdrop
I'm really just a wad of contradictions...
I'm known to be "promiscuous," while I wish I had never had sex, and I can't seem to figure out how to say no to a man.
I only seem to go out with men who expect sex, and I know that's all they want from me... and I still complain about how I can never find a man who respects me and wants me for more than just my body.
I have always felt unwanted by every person in my life specifically my mother and father, now since I'm gone they want to be a part of my life.
My friends don't trust me, and I don't know how to trust them because I'm always scared of being hurt.
The only time I have ever refused to do something was because I was embarrassed by it, even if i had really wanted to do it.
The only things I know for certain are that I am a people pleaser and will do anything anybody asks of me, even if it kills me. I don't know any other way to be accepted. I know that I am socially awkward and very very shy. I don't know how to talk to people. I know I am not very interesting. I know I am afraid of pain and I very much want to cut because it makes me forget. I know I have never been wanted in my life, by family the men in my life, or even friends. I know I get reputations. The last thing I truly know is that I want to change.
I hurt,
thank you for listening,
ooo
gumdrop
I have met some pretty interesting people on my floor, my roommate Tessa is very interesting, she is sure of herself and is into some odd things yet I can tell we will get along great. My neighbors to one side are Sam and Tristan, they don't quite click but I like them both. The rest of the floor is still a mystery to me. I'm hoping to get out of my shell sometime soon.
NOW, back to the complications, I've been locked out three times already, twice out of the building entirely... I have a three page paper due monday, and I haven't even started, also I seem to know not even a percentage of my classmates.... that bubble trouble....
And then there are boys... I like boys... Ask me about that drama, yeesh.
FWB: friends with benifits... see also, fuck buddies or sex friends.
I can't.
I'm currently in the FWB situation, and I am so afraid of rejection as soon as somebody better / prettier comes along. I very much like this man, an would like to have more than just a FWB relationship.
Word to the wise: don't ever.
I love you all,
Gumdrop
Thanks for caring,
Gumdrop.
gumdrop
The story of me will never be complete.
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