Stephen Chbosky
No truer statement has ever been said.
I'll start with my friend Krystal who has never been one for the boyfriends. She has a truly strong faith, and she has always believed in herself. Knew she deserved the best, and she found it in a guy I believe will always treat her right and it's wonderful and she's happy. She deserves that, and she knows it. My second friend Becca is a little bit different, she had lots of boyfriends and she kind of strings them all along even after the fact. She charms men and even when these guys know what's happening, they don't care. She commands their attention, each and every one. It's truly amazing. Not always the nicest however, and relationships are expendable to her. The point here is that she thinks she deserves to be adored by a plethora of men, and that's what she gets because this is the love Becca thinks she deserves, making my point again. Lastly I will tell you about the love I accept, and the love I think I deserve.
The love I think I deserve is somewhat more complicated than I like to admit. I don't think I deserve anything that lasts. In my family I seem to always be the problem, so in that aspect I don't believe they should have an unconditional love for me. However, I was talking about more personal relationships earlier. So I'm going to lay out my love life here and try to understand myself. My first relationship I was absolutely crazy for the boy, and you have to realize I was only a freshman in high school. So I was crazy for Michael and yet I knew realistically that nothing could ever come of it. I suppose the real question is why did I go into a relationship thinking it would fail? If i'm honest with myself I would say it was a joke, that he didn't actually want to date me. Later I found out that a mutual friend had told him to ask me out, not quite a dare, but a push in that direction. Eventually I broke things off because they weren't going well at all. I was certain he couldn't care for me and it was all just a sick joke. I didn't deserve to be with somebody I believed to be so much better than me. My second boyfriend and I dated for two years. I cared for him a lot, but I felt trapped. I had slept with him a month into our relationship, not because I loved him and was ready to lose my virginity but because I felt he wouldn't want me if i said no. Looking back I should have just said no. I've not felt the same since that night. Now I see myself as damaged goods that nobody should ever want. I had always believed that I would be a virgin on my wedding night, a pure bride in white. That is all gone, and I can't see myself that way anymore. Now all I seem to be good for is sex. And I feel like I'm not even very good at that. Since then I have never been in another true relationship. After him I was devastated though I am the one who ended things, and for the best. So obviously I made a really poor life choice and had sex with my first boyfriend, fantastic right? So much self respect evident. It became so important to me that I find people who wanted me, and since I didn't and don't think I'm deserving of a relationship, I looked for sex. And I found it in many many poor life choices. I slept with one of my friends and her boyfriend, on more than one account and more than one boyfriend. I slept with an older man I met online. I slept with a jackass football player from my college campus. Yet I also slept with somebody I deeply deeply care about and that is the one I regret most of all. I ruined things there, we could have just been friends and things would have been fine, but when you believe the only thing that makes being around you worthwhile is when you put out, you do just that. So that is what I did, even though he was adamant we didn't need to sleep together, I was so sure that I wanted to. It was great for a while, until I wanted more than to be just sex friends. He didn't want that, at least not with me. So I tried to go back to normal and couldn't. All I could think about was that he will never want me, that I am not good enough for him. And honestly I fell in love with him. I would do anything for him. And now I am torn because when we started hanging out he confided that he's always afraid that everyone will leave him and I had promised that I never would, yet I don't think I can keep this going because I know he want's/has other women and I feel as if I can't even talk to him anymore. I feel like a castaway again and it hurts like hell. I don't want him to think I'm leaving like everyone else. But I can't handle him anymore. As soon as I get my hat back from him I think I need to be done. I don't think he'll care much that I am gone either. Goodbye is always harder when you're the only one that cares about it.
I know everyone deserves a certain love, I just don't believe I do. I've got to be done until I can figure that out. I think I need help.
Thanks for always listening,
Gumdrop
No truer statement has ever been said.
I'll start with my friend Krystal who has never been one for the boyfriends. She has a truly strong faith, and she has always believed in herself. Knew she deserved the best, and she found it in a guy I believe will always treat her right and it's wonderful and she's happy. She deserves that, and she knows it. My second friend Becca is a little bit different, she had lots of boyfriends and she kind of strings them all along even after the fact. She charms men and even when these guys know what's happening, they don't care. She commands their attention, each and every one. It's truly amazing. Not always the nicest however, and relationships are expendable to her. The point here is that she thinks she deserves to be adored by a plethora of men, and that's what she gets because this is the love Becca thinks she deserves, making my point again. Lastly I will tell you about the love I accept, and the love I think I deserve.
The love I think I deserve is somewhat more complicated than I like to admit. I don't think I deserve anything that lasts. In my family I seem to always be the problem, so in that aspect I don't believe they should have an unconditional love for me. However, I was talking about more personal relationships earlier. So I'm going to lay out my love life here and try to understand myself. My first relationship I was absolutely crazy for the boy, and you have to realize I was only a freshman in high school. So I was crazy for Michael and yet I knew realistically that nothing could ever come of it. I suppose the real question is why did I go into a relationship thinking it would fail? If i'm honest with myself I would say it was a joke, that he didn't actually want to date me. Later I found out that a mutual friend had told him to ask me out, not quite a dare, but a push in that direction. Eventually I broke things off because they weren't going well at all. I was certain he couldn't care for me and it was all just a sick joke. I didn't deserve to be with somebody I believed to be so much better than me. My second boyfriend and I dated for two years. I cared for him a lot, but I felt trapped. I had slept with him a month into our relationship, not because I loved him and was ready to lose my virginity but because I felt he wouldn't want me if i said no. Looking back I should have just said no. I've not felt the same since that night. Now I see myself as damaged goods that nobody should ever want. I had always believed that I would be a virgin on my wedding night, a pure bride in white. That is all gone, and I can't see myself that way anymore. Now all I seem to be good for is sex. And I feel like I'm not even very good at that. Since then I have never been in another true relationship. After him I was devastated though I am the one who ended things, and for the best. So obviously I made a really poor life choice and had sex with my first boyfriend, fantastic right? So much self respect evident. It became so important to me that I find people who wanted me, and since I didn't and don't think I'm deserving of a relationship, I looked for sex. And I found it in many many poor life choices. I slept with one of my friends and her boyfriend, on more than one account and more than one boyfriend. I slept with an older man I met online. I slept with a jackass football player from my college campus. Yet I also slept with somebody I deeply deeply care about and that is the one I regret most of all. I ruined things there, we could have just been friends and things would have been fine, but when you believe the only thing that makes being around you worthwhile is when you put out, you do just that. So that is what I did, even though he was adamant we didn't need to sleep together, I was so sure that I wanted to. It was great for a while, until I wanted more than to be just sex friends. He didn't want that, at least not with me. So I tried to go back to normal and couldn't. All I could think about was that he will never want me, that I am not good enough for him. And honestly I fell in love with him. I would do anything for him. And now I am torn because when we started hanging out he confided that he's always afraid that everyone will leave him and I had promised that I never would, yet I don't think I can keep this going because I know he want's/has other women and I feel as if I can't even talk to him anymore. I feel like a castaway again and it hurts like hell. I don't want him to think I'm leaving like everyone else. But I can't handle him anymore. As soon as I get my hat back from him I think I need to be done. I don't think he'll care much that I am gone either. Goodbye is always harder when you're the only one that cares about it.
I know everyone deserves a certain love, I just don't believe I do. I've got to be done until I can figure that out. I think I need help.
Thanks for always listening,
Gumdrop